Pre Mains Aur Life

 Prelims 2023 Result

A result is just some numbers and digits flashing on the screen. 

But, behind it, there would be countless hours of studying. Not, just studying, but a lot of non-academic factors are also taken into consideration. 

I did not clear Prelims 2023. How do I feel?

1. Dejected. It is a knife down your throat. 

2. Jealousy. Especially from persons online. 

3. Inadequacy. When you see numbers like 14000 people clearing Prelims plastered on social media. 

4. Lost. You end up wondering, how you ended up here. 

If you think carefully, besides freak incidents, clearing exams is not a freak incident. Of course, there could be isolated incidents, in which somebody scrapes through and then after scraping through, does not become complacent, but proceeds to work his ass off. 

I am trying to say here is such big successes are not accidental. 

I should not be wondering how I ended up here. 

I came home after college ended, with a plan to pursue the Civil Services. I spoke to a topper I knew, I created a study space (inherited from Class 12 days), brought out my books. I opened a Polity NCERT and began studying. 

I remember my initial days of being completely lost, overwhelmed, wasting time on worthless people, studying, but also indulging in a lot of unnecessary fluff. A lot of that fluff is immaterial. 

#1: Always do the right thing, which is pursuing your goal. Everything else is immaterial. Do not pursue your goal, but pursue yourself. You are a sum of your goals, aspirations, ambitions. 

One attempt down in 2020. Despite, an extension, I royally tanked in Prelims. My scores were 78 in GS and 33 in CSAT. Phew.

 November, 2020, my father suddenly one day had a brain stroke. The fighter he is, he survived, thanks to emergency medical help from our relatives. My preparation which really had not recovered from the Prelims debacle, continued to move at a lacklustre pace. 

With dad's stroke, preparation further took a backseat. The next few months, I made some feeble, half-hearted attempts at studying. Some, further emotional turmoil, wrecked my family. I continued to be wayward and oblivious. 

In 2021, my preparation, was tanking, I was on a steep downward decline. My productivity was at an all time low and Prelims was lurking around the corner. 

I decided to skip the 2021 exam and ditch and change my optionals from History to PSIR. 

In the interval period, I probably made a colossal, gigantic mistake, which accelerated the decline, further. While I was in my own romantic bubble, our family's fortunes were declining.  

#2 Make yourself and the fam the epicentre

Despite not studying a lot, I decided to write the 2021 exam for "experience". I, of course had very low scores. 

Come, 2022. I was in a romantic imbroglio. 2021-2022 were probably the lowest years of my life. I lost myself in this process. Childhood demons overpowered me. Needless to say, a night before the 2022 Prelims exam, I had unfinished portions of History left. My exam tanked. The aftermath of the exam was even worse. 

2022 Prelims exam was on the 5th June. I spent the next, few several months completely dejected. Preparation took an onward, upward trajectory from only December, with the SFG Program of ForumIAS. 

By March, I had began to be confident about my preparation. Even CSAT was under control. Though, the old demons and the past years of failures (both personal and exam) had rattled me.

Come, the 28th May, 2023. It was the D Day. I got up in the morning after a reinvigorating sleep. I brushed through some History notes, saw a few maps and headed towards the exam centre. 

I was feeling nervous, also somewhat unprepared. It seems the demon which fed on me, was on the rise. The first paper came and I felt shockwaves as I flipped through the paper. I saw many unfamiliar topics. I started solving with Polity and Economy first. While I breezed through some Polity questions, a few Polity  questions gave me a searing headache. 45 minutes were left after I was done with my first round. I counted and saw that I had solved 35 questions. I gave myself a pat on the back. The next 45 minutes, I blazed through the rest of the paper. In all, I had attempted 85-86 questions. 

After I was done with my exam, I felt defeated. In my eyes, without a yardstick, I had failed again. My mom was there to pick me up outside my centre. I hereby committed the biggest blunder. I began raging. My emotions ran unchecked and unhindered. I was so naive so as to suggest to my mother, that I should not bother, with the second paper. 

My rage went on. I kept on talking and raging and complaining. Little did I know that at an obviously tough paper, I was massacring my chances of clearing the Prelims. Here precisely, between 11:30AM and 2:30PM, I bungled my 4th attempt at this exam. Only, about an hour ago, did I regain my composure, and began to mentally steady myself for the second paper. 

I am too embarrassed to write on my CSAT exam, which ultimately proved to be my undoing. 

A note on my CSAT prep, first. I was conscious of the fact that I sucked at CSAT, particularly aptitude. I began practicing, sometime before December. After, the SFG program began, CSAT was neglected for a long time. After one phase of SFG was over, in then break, I began practicing CSAT. Over the span of a week, I began to be good at its after I wrote some mock tests and began practicing and my marks improved. 

It would not be incorrect to say that after the break, for the second SFG, CSAT again went for a toss. The weekend went in resting and trying to complete the remainder of the SFG portions. 

#3 Always have consolidated CSAT preparation, for 6 hours every day weeks and months before the exam. In these 6 hours, attempt and complete all your CSAT tests. 

Coming to my actual CSAT exam. I could solve the initial few questions and even the passages did not seem tricky. All was good, I thought. Somewhere, my mind stopped working, after the one hour. It could be exhaustion from all the rage. Also, I had attempted very few questions too in the initial first hour. Now, I began to panic. I went with my usual strategy of sifting through all questions. 

My raging from earlier on, the tough CSAT paper, overall anxiety led to my demise in the CSAT paper. I ended up marking incorrect options for a number of pretty, straightforward RCs. Bottomline: I was not thinking straight. 

#4 Never rush to predetermined conclusions. Never react so soon. 

On the 29th May, I check my CSAT answers. I realise I have failed in CSAT. I attempted 34 questions, out of which I breached the tolerance for the correct/incorrect ratio. 

To my surprise, I had done quite well in GS paper, I do not know for certain and I have even forgotten most of my answers. But, I did well. 

Today, 12th June, my Prelims result was declared. As expected, I had not made it. 

What is more is that I spent, about two weeks in doing nothing. Yes, definitely, some parts were fun, but others, were stress induced situations. 

Two weeks are up for a toss. 

12th June, 2023

I woke up with a call. I knew that my Result has been out. Next followed, some name searching and the inevitable "result not found". 

4 attempts down and I had not even cleared the first leg of the exam. 

A quick summary

2020: first attempt, had not looked at PYQs, no mock taking strategy

2021: experimental attempt

2022: flunked GS, cleared CSAT

2023: cleared GS, flunked CSAT

This brings us to this day.

I read somewhere that this exam is a contest. A contest to make as less mistakes as possible.

Way forward

While I have summed my downhill trajectory, there is only one thing left to do. 

To move onwards and upwards and to not let my career be a downward trajectory

#1 forget all the past baggage, but remember the times in which you triumphed

#2 focus on your actions.

#3 give rest to vocal chords, do not rage

#4 always do the right thing, to avoid being overwhelmed 

#5 always be true to yourself

#6 pick out a plan, start studying

signing off,

Mahima